Silent Reflection Is an Underused Leadership Tool
The following is adapted from The Leadership PIN Code.
Conversation is an essential part of leadership. The questions you ask, responses you give, and how you steer dialogue will all have a significant impact on how well you’re able to manage conflict and build trust in the workplace.
Yet talking is just one part of effective conversation. Many leaders forget that silence isn’t necessarily silent. Silence can be a welcome invitation for people to open up and give more or perhaps deeper information. It can create space for reflection, and it can convey an interest in the thoughts and feelings of others.
Silence is an underused tool for leaders looking to connect with their employees with more authentic engagement, deeper understanding, and thoughtful creativity.
The Phases of Silence
Clinical psychologists and psychotherapists know the power of silence perhaps more than most. They have found that in conversations, the earliest phase of silence offers people the opportunity to think, reflect, and raise issues. Quiet reflection can give rise to subconscious thoughts.
At a certain point, silence enters a second phase, which often causes discomfort. We’ve all had that experience of a long gap or a pregnant pause. There’s a natural tendency for most people to want to fill the silence at this point.
Savvy leaders hone the skills to tolerate the uncomfortable point. The leader can be well-served, particularly in challenging or difficult conversations, to wait and allow the other person to speak further. It is during the second, uncomfortable phase of silence that people often share more or useful information, which might not have been readily shared otherwise.
Of course, silence will never get people to say things they didn’t want to say, but it does give them the space to say it at a time when they hadn’t necessarily planned to or allows them to build the momentum or confidence to do so.
Silence is a Great Data Provider
Uncomfortable silence can be filled with the tangible feeling of words left unsaid. Skilled leaders can pick up on visual cues and behavior, observing a furrowed brow or concerned look on the person’s face. They can explore that silence with empathetic observations such as, “I feel that you’re not very happy,” or “What are you feeling when I say this to you,” encouraging the person to share.
Besides the lack of words, silence itself is a great data provider. It should not be rescued or resolved without due thought. The speaker who breaks the silence should consider: if I’m going to fill the silence, what am I going to fill it with? Is it better for the other person to fill it, because they may well need to say something or share something that's of value?
Not all silences are empty spaces needing to be filled. Some silences are peaceful and reflective, like meditation, or listening without speaking. Silence can, at times, be comfortable, like the feeling you have when sitting in silence with someone you know very well. Silent reflection is an underused tool by most leaders. It is an opportunity to take stock for example at the start of the day, pondering on what the day holds, how to prioritise, or using it for visualised rehearsal of forthcoming meetings or presentations.
Freud’s Silence
In his psychotherapy sessions, Sigmund Freud would keep the session time to fifty minutes, not an hour. The extra ten minutes in the hour before his next session was presumably pragmatic and used for the purpose of writing notes.
Psychotherapists theorized the about the time-length after the fact, believing that it created a discipline for the patient to share what they wished within the firm boundaries for that fifty minutes. Long reflective silences were commonplace, allowing the patient to reveal more through the unconscious rising to the surface.
Freud noted that patients frequently waited until the end of their session to mention the most emotionally revealing material presumably because it is difficult to talk about. They wanted the therapist to know, but they didn’t feel able to tolerate a discussion around it, so they left it with them.
Like Freud, set a definite time-length for a conversation or meeting and be disciplined about keeping it, then pay attention to words, silences, and not only what’s raised at the beginning, but what’s raised at the very end. How are you left feeling? What is the person leaving you with? What is the message they’re giving you?
Silence’s Counterpart, Interruption
The counterpart to silence is interruption. Used correctly, interruptions can be meaningful and useful. However, few leaders use interruption skillfully or gracefully. If you’re interrupting to get something off your chest or share a point, you may not be listening and are instead making a selfish interruption to satisfy the urge to say something.
You can tell when interruption lacks skill or mutual purpose as it’s often at odds with either the emotion or content the other person is sharing. You can see a physical reaction in the other person that this interruption was meaningless or didn't connect to what was being shared.
Interruption is most valuable for a leader when, for example, the conversation is going off track. If done skillfully, it will be readily accepted by the other person, often with an apology once they realize they’ve gone off track. An interruption might also be useful to break up a conflictual dialogue between two other people.
The way you interrupt is important. You can lead into your interruption with something that gives you permission to enter the conversation. For example, if the interruption is required between you and another person because the conversation is off track, you can say, “Okay, I’ve noticed that but we’re now drifting away from the topic that we were here to discuss,” or, “I realize that we’re running out of time, and I think we need to get back to the key issue on the table.” You acknowledge the other person and label the purpose of the interruption up front to give them a context to understand your interruption.
Rules of Engagement
The language of influential leadership frequently lies in a judicious use of reflective silence. Conversation is as much about what you don’t say as what you do, and how you use space and silence to allow others to contribute.
An effective leader should conduct conversations as an orchestra conductor leads musicians. The conductor is the only member who doesn’t make a sound. Conversation is not about the leader doing all the talking. In particular, extroverted leaders or those with dominant personalities should take note of this. A good leader is responsible for positively exploiting the diversity of perspectives/experience in the room and steering the conversation with appropriate moments of silence.
Speaking last in an open discussion within a team is often a great idea for a leader. You pull the information together rather than push it, using open questions: “who,” “what,” “where,” “when,” “how,” and “tell me more.” As a leader, you want to harvest the best out of the group you’re leading without railroading them into your way of thinking and closing down for new inputs or ideas.
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For more advice on collaboration, you can find The Leadership PIN Code on Amazon.
Dr. Nashater Deu Solheim brings a new toolkit to leadership development that is backed by decades of integrated experience in the areas of business and psychology. As a former forensic psychologist with clinical research in the neuropsychology of criminal minds, she developed a deep interest in effective learning strategies for lasting success. Now, as an expert negotiator who studied at the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School, Dr. Solheim has combined her experience as an executive leader in international private companies and government ministries to present The Leadership PIN Code, the definitive guide for helping business leaders secure influence and impactful results.
