Use Your Body Language To Gain Positive Influence

The following is adapted from The Leadership PIN Code.

Have you ever met someone who mysteriously rubbed you the wrong way, even before they said a word? Social psychology research confirms that first impressions count. Some claim the first three seconds are the most defining seconds of your impact with somebody, while Princeton psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov show that we form first impressions in a tenth of a second. 

But there is a difference between first impressions and influence. Influence is beyond a momentary impression; it has an effect on the other person that is built over the course of a relationship, not in a three-, five-, or twenty-second encounter. 

Your influence is most effective when your body language and words are in sync. If you want to gain positive influence, it’s important to understand the signals that you’re sending others. What secret cues are your arms, head, and eyes revealing? And how can you control them?  

Open Arms

In new or uncomfortable social situations, people often seem like they don’t know what to do with their arms or hands. They may fold and unfold their arms, write while someone is talking, hold their phone and try to glance down discreetly—and these are often subconscious behaviors. 

Folding arms or crossing legs can create a psychological barrier between you and the other person, and accompanied with strong words, may strengthen this pose as a defensive or confrontational one. Softer, empathic words may help to reframe the crossed limbs as relaxed. Context is queen in these cases. 

Generally, crossing limbs abruptly during a dialogue should be given careful evaluation unless the room is particularly cold. People don’t always know you well enough in business settings to know what your normal demeanor is, and so they are left to interpret what they see there and then. Try to see yourself from the other person’s point of view: how might this come across to someone who doesn’t know you well?

Generally, open body language is perceived to be more positive and persuasive, so use your body language to convey warmth and empathy. 

Use Your Head

Your head often works in conjunction with your hands. Leaning your head on your hand while resting your elbow on the table can demonstrate interest. Showing empathy might be conveyed by having the index finger pointing to the temple or ear with the remaining fingers around the chin or mouth. Think of the stance a doctor or counselor takes while listening. 

The pointing to the ear is a signal effect of “I’m listening,” and fingers near the mouth may indicate “I’m not talking while you are.” The slightly tilted head shows sensitivity and softens the approach.

Don’t, however, rest your head in both hands around your face, which may signify boredom, frustration, or intensity that may be off-putting.

Eye Contact

In a tense moment when someone is complaining or giving tough feedback, maintaining eye contact can feel terribly uncomfortable if not all but impossible. The invisible spider on the ceiling or on the toe of your shoe is suddenly the most interesting point in the room.

Cultural context is key here. Let’s take ethnic culture as an example. Indian culture teaches children to remove eye contact when being scolded. Looking down towards your feet and showing the top of the head is a mark of humility and respect for the other. 

In English culture, you will more often hear parents say, “Look at me when I’m talking to you,” where eye contact is demanded to show you are paying attention and showing respect. As adults, particularly in business, we need to be thorough in our research to know how eye contact in meetings and difficult conversations may be interpreted.

Even in everyday meetings or encounters where you might know the people you are dealing with, there are still helpful and unhelpful eye contact patterns that should be noted. Some people often break eye contact when they are trying to formulate their thoughts. A short pause is acceptable; anything more can be perceived as rude. Work to consciously maintain steady eye contact without intensely staring at the person you’re speaking with.

Mirroring

Mirroring is an instinctual response that occurs throughout the animal kingdom. In a simplistic way, it happens when one person takes on the same posture or stance as another, creating a mirror image. For example, one person leans into a conversation, and the other does as well. Or, both cross their arms or cock their heads to one side. 

You can also consciously use mirroring behavior to communicate your intentions. Mirroring behavior says, “We’re in this together. I hear you and I value what you’re saying.” If you’re communicating effectively, the other person will reciprocate or mirror back. You then get congruity in the behaviour and the dialogue, which can contribute to deepening the relationship.

Being conscious in mirroring is necessary as your behavior may trigger a reaction in others. For example, if you are angry and behave in an aggressive way, it may be mirrored by the other. 

When you consciously use mirroring in your behavior, it has to have integrity. As a leader, when you are true to your intention, and your intentions are positive, then your demeanour will come across as naturally empathic. 

Watch for Inconsistencies

Be aware of inconsistencies between your body language and your intent or words, because those inconsistencies can mislead your audience and misconstrue the message you want to communicate. 

If you’re in a situation such as giving feedback where you need to show empathy, and perhaps you’ve been told that you can come across as a bit cold or distant, then addressing your body language can go a long way in helping you to communicate empathy or sensitivity in a more conscious way. Focus not only on which behaviors will be helpful but also which behaviors might be getting in the way.

Check in and make sure your body language doesn’t communicate something you’re not feeling. For example, even if you want to be empathic, you may be subconsciously feeling concerned and anxious about whether your advice will be useful. Despite your intention to show empathy, your anxieties may be more evident in your behavior, through folded arms, a furrowed brow, or looking down at your lap. 

Be Aware

Maybe you have a distracting, nervous tic of which you’re unaware. Perhaps you click your pen or twirl your hair. Or perhaps you cross your arms too often or break eye contact when you shouldn’t. How will you find out? Soliciting feedback is important, but the best tip is recording yourself in a typical meeting setting. You will discover things you probably don’t know you do and can then address them. 

In general, remember that your emotions have a significant effect on your behavior. Stay calm rather than express strong emotions, such as anger or despair, which can lessen your influence and weaken your position. If you know you tend to react to certain people or topics, plan ahead for how you will respond if the situation that triggers you arises.

Instead of letting your instincts be your guide, think about the impact you want to have and choose the appropriate body language for the situation. Remember, first impressions count, but influence lasts longer.

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For more advice on emotional intelligence, you can find The Leadership PIN Code on Amazon.

Dr. Nashater Deu Solheim brings a new toolkit to leadership development that is backed by decades of integrated experience in the areas of business and psychology. As a former forensic psychologist with clinical research in the neuropsychology of criminal minds, she developed a deep interest in effective learning strategies for lasting success. Now, as an expert negotiator who studied at the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School, Dr. Solheim has combined her experience as an executive leader in international private companies and government ministries to present The Leadership PIN Code, the definitive guide for helping business leaders secure influence and impactful results.